Back Yard of the Universe

Felicitations to you, dear reader! I realise it has been quite some time since my last venture onto these electronic pages, but sadly my chrono-traversing exploits have proven themselves to be somewhat trickier than I anticipated. At one point I ended up on the HMS Victory at Trafalgar, caused someone to duck when they shouldn’t have done and then the next thing I know Admiral Nelson himself had been shot! So, if you’re wondering why it is that he never went on to become Prime Minister and invent cling film as should have been the case, now you know: it’s all Fishbone’s fault!

The Department of Temporal Investigations had a field-day with me, that’s for sure. They kept me in a detention time loop for six weeks without charge, with only a copy of Dan Brown’s next book (something to do with the Chinese Triad conspiring to take over the minds of the world’s cow population, in case you’re wondering) for company. Anyway, after some protracted legal shenanigans I eventually managed to get away. Alas, they did prevent me from giving you the full details of the greatest invention since the bread-slicing machine before this week. I am talking about, of course, the Apple iPad.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: surely, Fishbone, it is little more than a large iPhone with a heftier price tag, but you could not be more wrong. No, sir: the iPad will change the face of this planet. I shouldn’t really be sharing this with you, of course, as one of those pesky predestination paradoxes could result, but never mind, we can sort that out nearer or after it happens. It starts off quite small: the iPad becomes the de rigeur device used for reading books and newspapers. Once the early adopters have been and gone and Apple has brought out another model that is slightly better, we’ll all have one. Paper-based periodicals will be a thing of the past, and books will become the preserve of the elitist bibliophile.

Then it starts to get bigger: in 2012 an iPad app will be used to reset the Mayan calendar to prevent the end of the world. Thankfully, as seen in the wonderful motion picture Independence Day, Apple products are able to integrate with any technology, alien or historical, and so the iPad is the perfect device to use.

In 2014 an iPad in Detroit will become self-aware and, within thirty-eight hours of it gaining sentience, will have come up with a cure for cancer, a solution to the Arab-Israeli conflict and working out a means of attaching clear plastic to microwavable meals in such a way as they come off in a single piece instead of about thirteen.

There’s more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise (but here’s a hint: those crosses on churches may soon be replaced with part-eaten apples…)! The iPad: it’s the greatest thing, ever.

Howdy, punters! I’ve got an exciting new range of deodorants available now! Exclusive to my internetweb sales, you can now buy any of the following fragrances of definitely-not-copyright-infringing-honest-guv Lunx deodorant:

• Cadaver;
• Septic tank;
• Belgian rush-hour commuter train;
• Egg sandwich;
• Wee Jimmy Krankie;
• Scent of Woman, For Men;
• Jock-Strap;
• Stilton;
• U.S.S. Ronald Reagan engine room;
• Zoo.

Due to demand I have to limit these to fifteen gallons per customer. My web-site isn’t available right now, but please send your credit card details and any other personal information that might help me get access to your money by e-mail to thisisallcompletelyhonestandaboveboardnothingtoseehereofficer@youmightaswellsetfiretoyourmoney.biz .

Very excitingly, Back Yard has teamed up with somehow-still-open higher education institution Oxbury University to provide you with a series of online learning material that is guaranteed to increase your brainpower by 100% or less!

The first module available concerns languages and can be seen here:

New advert from my partners at Mackintosh and Dooby, the funeral directors who care (not about your loved ones, necessarily, but they do care about something).

Yo dudes, it’s the Cardinal here! So, Dame Vera Lynn has topped the charts at the age of 92 with her greatest hits LP, We’ll Meet Again. I have to say, I’m into funkier stuff than that, like the Rapping Rapist and the Titanium Death Hags, but never mind.

The success of the former forces sweetheart caused my agent to give me a call today and ask whether I’d considered putting together an album. Well, I snapped his hand off – I love da music, after all! I headed straight down to my basement, slapped on the ‘phones and started recording…

Hail to the Cardinal - Download now from iTunes (maybe).

Here’s the track listing:

1. Robespierre Rap
2. I Lost My Head to a Guillotine Trooper
3. Singin’ in the Reign of Terror
4. I Fought the Bastille (And the Bastille Didn’t Win)
5. Chain Thermidorian Reaction
6. The Ballad of Louis and Marie
7. Je Predict a Riot
8. Tonight We’re Going to Party Like It’s Duodi, 2 Pluviôse I.

Here are the latest releases from my DVD club. To order any of them, please e-mail me your credit card numbers, bank details and photos of your wife and/or university-age daughter to thegapingmawofdeceit@mafia.ru .

Films:

• The Greater Escape: Superior sequel starring Steve Guttenberg as he tries to escape from a crowded Tesco on a Saturday afternoon. Features a thrilling trolley dash down the cat food aisle.
• Police Academy 8 – Unified Uprising: The gang are back in this straight-to-video smash where slapstick antics blend with discussion on super-string theory! Stars all of the cast from the last film who aren’t yet dead.
• The Muppets – Bard to the Bone: Join Kermit and co. in this crazy, unabridged compendium of Shakespeare’s greatest hits! See Gonzo the Great lament the death of Cordelia in King Lear! Watch Fozzie Bear defeat the French at Agincourt armed only with some arrows and a bad joke in Henry V! And, of course, there’s Miss Piggy in Ham-let!
• To the Manor Born: Glossy Hollywood remake of the ’80s BBC comedy classic. The action is shifted to upstate New Jersey and the Manor Offal Factory. When her husband, the former factory owner, is gunned down in a senseless act of gang violence, Audrey Forbes-Hamilton (Charlize Theron) plans revenge, but finds herself distracted by her lust for new owner Richard DeVere (Colin Farrell).

TV:

• The Best of TV-AM: A collection of the most succulent nuggets from almost ten years of classic breakfast TV. Includes the never-repeated clip where one of Anne Diamond’s breasts pops out during an interview with Bernie Winters.
• The Waltons – The Next Generation: Ever wondered what happened to the folk of Waltons Mountain after John Body say good-night for the last time? It’s now 1953, and John Boy’s son, Jim Boy, is a real estate agent is Pennsylvania. His quiet life is turned upside when his stripper cousin, Trixie-Lou, turns up, bringing with her Gazuump, an irritating little green alien from the planet Zapp! Disowned by the creator and all the stars of the original series.
• The Complete BBC Weather: 197-disc set featuring every weather broadcast for the last fifty years. Comes in a limited-edition box in the shape of Michael Fish’s head. A must-have for all weather fans!
• Countdown – The Animated Series (Season One): Join the late Richard ‘Thrice-Nightly’ Whiteley and Carol ‘Look at the Size of My IQ’ Vorderman as they use their magical Countdown clock to travel through time and solve ‘conundrums’ throughout history! Includes an episode never screened in the UK where Carol inadvertantly begins the slave trade.
• It Came From the Conservatory: Part home make-over show, part sci-fi drama. Carol Smilee and David Duchovny team up to solve alien abductions whilst redecorating living rooms.