Back Yard of the Universe

Cowabunga, dudes! It’s a-me: the Cardinal and I’m here today with a proper ace treat for you all: the very first(!) instalment of The Back Yard of the Universe History of Everything (In Several Parts, With Large Bits Missing), or TBYOTUHOE(ISPWLBM) for short!

In this first bit we look at really olden days – before 1993 and everything! So here we go, back to the paaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssstttttttttttttttt…

Part I: Pre-History.

It seems a little odd that all histories of the world should start with pre-history. Surely by its very definition the whole of pre-history should be left to itself and kept well away from the whole ‘during-history’ period. You never see anything that happens after the end of history in history books, do you? Admittedly that’s in part because it hasn’t happened yet, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, far be it from this history to ‘buck the trend’, so let’s begin.

First, the Earth cooled and then the dinosaurs came (ref. Airplane! II: The Sequel (1982)). In a nut-shell, that covers the first few billion years. The Earth started off as a small rock that then attracted through some mysterious force lots of other small rocks who had decided that the whole single rock lifestyle just wasn’t working out for them. There was lots of other things that happened that have some kind of connection to rocks and minerals of various varieties, but let’s not worry too much about all of that as it’s pretty boring. In truth, very little of any great interest happened until the dinosaurs showed up.

The word ‘dinosaur’ means ‘terrible lizard’, but they weren’t all that bad; in fact, they were pretty cool. Big, rampaging beasts with more teeth than an Oral B AGM and claws that could scratch off your scrotum at 100 yards., dinosaurs ruled the pre-historical world with a mixture of scaly terror and lizardy fear. It must be noted that not all dinosaurs were carnivorous killing machines who would rather tear off your face than say ‘hello’; some of them were gentle, vegetarian creatures who were at one with the land. Honestly, though, how annoyed must they have been about that? ‘Gee, thanks – I’m so glad I get to toddle around licking moss off stones and chewing leaves with my blunt teeth instead of being one of those really tough bloodthirsty chaps who strut around like they own the place eating any poor sod they find who can’t fight back because he’s only designed for chomping grass like me. Oh shit.’

The dinosaurs were mysteriously wiped out in a cataclysmic event, the exact nature of which scientists have yet to agree on. It may have been a dramatic change in temperature (presumably not caused by the dinosaurs burning lots of fossil fuels), an asteroid impact or maybe even the Knights Templar, who seem to be responsible for a high number of conspiracies.

Whatever the reason, the dinosaurs disappeared, leaving behind a jigsaw legacy of fossils and bones. It must be wondered what the last dinosaur thought just after its final compatriot went off to join the big Jurassic Park in the sky. Given that their brains were generally about the size of a legume, probably not very much. Perhaps it was really pleased that at last it would be able to watch whatever it wanted on TV and go to the toilet wherever it chose without having to hide behind a bush.

With the dinosaurs gone, the mammals started to rule the Earth. The word ‘mammal’ sounds very cute and cuddly, and generally makes you think of little kittens and puppies. However, the first ones also included sabre-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths. Now, you might well attempt to cuddle a mammoth, but it probably wouldn’t be the best of ideas, not least of all because it would make your arms ache.

These mammals might have thought they ruled the roost (not that they had roosts, of course: those were the domains of birds who have thus far been rather cruelly left out of this history, but, hey, they’ve got to expect a bit of bad press after what they did to Tippi Hedren), but they would soon all become subservient to an up-and-coming primate that somewhere in the jungles of Africa was starting to stand on its hind legs and beginning to realise just what could be achieved with some opposable thumbs.

In the interests of balance and mockery, it should be noted that all of the above can be completely disregarded if you happen to be a follower of the creationist school of thought. According to this, the Earth was formed somewhere between 5 and 10,000 years ago in around seven days by God, and that Man came along on the sixth day, no doubt already wondering just why God had bothered to put these false dinosaur bones all over the place. It is note the role of this history to cast doubt on this story, of course, but it all seems a tad unlikely, doesn’t it? If the Vatican can accept evolution and reconcile it with the Christian faith, then so can this history.

So there.

Next time on A History of Everything (In Several Parts, With Large Bits Missing): How accurate a depiction of neolithic man was The Flintstones? What would the Iron Age have been called if the steam press had been invented first? And just what is this Stonehenge shit all about?

Yo dudes, it’s the Cardinal here! So, Dame Vera Lynn has topped the charts at the age of 92 with her greatest hits LP, We’ll Meet Again. I have to say, I’m into funkier stuff than that, like the Rapping Rapist and the Titanium Death Hags, but never mind.

The success of the former forces sweetheart caused my agent to give me a call today and ask whether I’d considered putting together an album. Well, I snapped his hand off – I love da music, after all! I headed straight down to my basement, slapped on the ‘phones and started recording…

Hail to the Cardinal - Download now from iTunes (maybe).

Here’s the track listing:

1. Robespierre Rap
2. I Lost My Head to a Guillotine Trooper
3. Singin’ in the Reign of Terror
4. I Fought the Bastille (And the Bastille Didn’t Win)
5. Chain Thermidorian Reaction
6. The Ballad of Louis and Marie
7. Je Predict a Riot
8. Tonight We’re Going to Party Like It’s Duodi, 2 Pluviôse I.