Back Yard of the Universe

Please note the following changes to Oxbury area Tortoise Bus services over the festive period:

• A special Christmas Shopper bus will run on 23rd-24th December every ten minutes from Naysboar to Oxbury City Centre.The smallest, smelliest, oldest, dirtiest bus we can find will be used. Don’t complain: it’s your fault for leaving your Christmas shopping until the last minute.
• The 14 service to Fulton will not run on Christmas Day (25th December) or Boxing Day (26th-26th December). It will operate on 27th December (27th December), but no passengers will be picked up and the driver will ‘cock-a-snoop’ to any person who dares flag him down. You have been warned.
• The 128762147 service from Fisherman Park to Stickles Bridge will operate a reduced service from 23rd-29th December. Buses on this route will be 1/8th actual size.
• The 33 service to Oxbury Infirmary will be replaced on Christmas Day by the 33A. The 33A will make an extra stop in Runcorne Avenue to cover the 33B which will not run. The 33A will be replaced on Boxing Day by the 33C, which will not stop in Runcorne Avenue., the 33B being covered by the 33D. The 33D will also cover the 33B on 27th December, as the 33A will not be running and will be replaced by the 33E. The 33C will be covered by the 33F, which will not be running. On 28th December, the 33F will cover the 33, which will be re-routed to cover the 33D and the 33C, which will cover the 33E (which will be covering the 33B). The 33G will not be affected by these changes, except on Boxing Day when it will be replaced by the 33H (no relation).
• Bus drivers on all routes from Naysboar Depot will be wearing fancy dress on December 23rd. Keith Borrall on the 742 service will be dressed as Father Christmas, Stephanie Lomax on the 289412 route will be wearing a Comic Relief red nose she found down the back of the sofa and pretending to be Rudolph, whilst Cecil Harhouse will be reprising his celebrated role from last year as twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords-a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids-a-milking, seven swans-a-swimming, six geese-a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens and two turtle doves. Due to contractual obligations, the partridge in a pear tree will be unable to attend. Last year Tortoise Buses raised a whopping £74 which was mostly donated to some charity to do with kids or something. Since the event is for charity, all passengers will find it amusing and endearing.

Finally, please note that passengers are advised not to travel on any buses on New Year’s Day, as all the drivers will be hung over and we know what happened last year, don’t we?

Erm… apologies for the complete lack of any updates for the last few (well, many) weeks. The old usual reasons of too much work, too little energy and that kind of thing have prevented me from typing a web address into my browser and writing some rubbish to go on here. Anyway, I’m back now and that’s the important thing. More stuff will be coming here soon, and I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, by the way, I’d just like to thank all those lovely Russian people who’ve been leaving some nice comments on the site during my absence; I never knew I was so popular over there! Of course, I haven’t got the faintest idea what any of you are on about, but a quick Babel Fish translation suggests that you’re trying to suggest some fantastic products that I could purchase over the Internet on sites that have absolutely-nothing-to-do-with-the-mafia-whatsoever. Thank you very much and I shall certainly take you up on your most generous offers, just as soon as I have my brain removed and replaced with a lemon drizzle cake.