Back Yard of the Universe

Felicitations to you, dear reader! I realise it has been quite some time since my last venture onto these electronic pages, but sadly my chrono-traversing exploits have proven themselves to be somewhat trickier than I anticipated. At one point I ended up on the HMS Victory at Trafalgar, caused someone to duck when they shouldn’t have done and then the next thing I know Admiral Nelson himself had been shot! So, if you’re wondering why it is that he never went on to become Prime Minister and invent cling film as should have been the case, now you know: it’s all Fishbone’s fault!

The Department of Temporal Investigations had a field-day with me, that’s for sure. They kept me in a detention time loop for six weeks without charge, with only a copy of Dan Brown’s next book (something to do with the Chinese Triad conspiring to take over the minds of the world’s cow population, in case you’re wondering) for company. Anyway, after some protracted legal shenanigans I eventually managed to get away. Alas, they did prevent me from giving you the full details of the greatest invention since the bread-slicing machine before this week. I am talking about, of course, the Apple iPad.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: surely, Fishbone, it is little more than a large iPhone with a heftier price tag, but you could not be more wrong. No, sir: the iPad will change the face of this planet. I shouldn’t really be sharing this with you, of course, as one of those pesky predestination paradoxes could result, but never mind, we can sort that out nearer or after it happens. It starts off quite small: the iPad becomes the de rigeur device used for reading books and newspapers. Once the early adopters have been and gone and Apple has brought out another model that is slightly better, we’ll all have one. Paper-based periodicals will be a thing of the past, and books will become the preserve of the elitist bibliophile.

Then it starts to get bigger: in 2012 an iPad app will be used to reset the Mayan calendar to prevent the end of the world. Thankfully, as seen in the wonderful motion picture Independence Day, Apple products are able to integrate with any technology, alien or historical, and so the iPad is the perfect device to use.

In 2014 an iPad in Detroit will become self-aware and, within thirty-eight hours of it gaining sentience, will have come up with a cure for cancer, a solution to the Arab-Israeli conflict and working out a means of attaching clear plastic to microwavable meals in such a way as they come off in a single piece instead of about thirteen.

There’s more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise (but here’s a hint: those crosses on churches may soon be replaced with part-eaten apples…)! The iPad: it’s the greatest thing, ever.

Hello fact-fans! It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here due to my schedule as a fictitious person being a bit full. To make up for it, here are some nuggets of trivia from my Book of Super Amazo-Facts, available soon in a bookstore near you (or within 500 miles).

• In an unaired episode of The Flintstones, Fred suffered a psychotic episode and savagely beat his boss, Mr. Slate, to death with a diplodocus leg-bone. This was later re-written as the 1993 Michael Douglas film Falling Down, though thankfully all scenes featuring The Great Gazoo were completely removed.
• A trained stingray in Los Angeles by the name of Stanley can mime the words to T’Ain’t What You Do (It’s the Way That You Do It) by Fun Boy Three featuring Bananarama (that’s the song that features them, by the way, not the stingray).
• Contrary to popular belief, it is not possible to open a tin of cat food by staring at it really hard (unless you happen to be Superman).
• American Charlie Briefcase has been stuck in a revolving door for the past seventeen years. Charlie, only son of a Detroit twig-maker, entered the door at Old Joe Joeson’s Old Time Department Store on 6th Avenue, Milwaukee, three days after his fifteenth birthday. Thanks to a combination of inbreeding and perseverance, Charlie has been spinning around the door ever since, either unable or unwilling to leave. Every Christmas and birthday his parents have thrown presents at him as he revolves by, and he is fed by a complex series of pipes and pulleys specially designed by Sir Clive Sinclair.
• Sherlock Holmes never used the phrase ‘elementary, my dear Watson’ in any of the original Conan Doyle stories. However, in an unpublished manuscript uncovered in the mid-1980s after a sizable dose of bad opium he does accuse Watson of ‘teabagging’ Moriarty.

More soon!

The lovely people at Bioware are launching Mass Effect 2, which you may have guessed is the sequel to Mass Effect. Title originality aside, this looks to be an extremely good game and, according to the few reviews I’ve read, improves upon its predecessor in pretty much every way. So, what you waiting for, 360 and PC owners? Go forth and pre-order!

Below is the launch trailer in all its glory. Watch it and be amazed.

You can also find more information about the game at its official site.

The incredibly funny Peter Serafinowicz (surely the most hilarious man ever to have a show called The Peter Serafinowicz Show to not be renewed by the BBC) has added a new section to his web-site, showcasing the products, services and dubious business practices of entrepreneur Brian Butterfield. See it at http://www.peterserafinowicz.com/brian-butterfield/ and glory in its comedy genius.