Back Yard of the Universe

BYotU is brought to your computer screens by not just one mere individual, but by several world-renowned characters (all but one of whom are made up).Here is a list of them, with some random bits of information about them.

The Author does not look like this.

The Author: Debanoir man-about-town, raconteur, philanthropist and one of the forty-seven richest men in the world: The Author is none of these. He is, however, a bit of a geek, attested to by his love of Star Trek, role-playing games and other such things.

He is not as big an oaf as this site may make him appear. Probably.

Theolonious G. Fishbone, before the incident with the teleporter.

Theolonious G. Fishbone: Possibly one of the most intelligent yet obscure men ever to have lived, Fishbone (Theo to his friends, Umgakalakagak to the small, undiscovered Amazonian tribe who consider him to be a god) has been at the forefront of modern philosophical, alchemical and theological thinking for longer than most of his peers can remember. Rumoured to have discovered time travel, unraveled the true meaning of existence and to have worked out the twists in all the films M. Night Shyamalan hasn’t yet made, Fishbone has persuaded to write for BYotU when The Author promised him a lifetime’s supply of coffee Revels.

Arthur J. Tulip, author and prat.

Arthur J. Tulip: Author of the forthcoming* Book of Utter Pointlessness, Arthur J. Tulip has been collecting useless trivia ever since he was knee-high to a grasshopper (which, due to a genetic defect, was about three years ago). If you ever need to know the number of grains of sand that can fit within a 1988-built Austin Metro, or what the best way to strangle a mongoose is, then Tulip is the man to ask. Please do – he doesn’t receive many calls.

*: Just as soon as he finishes it and finds a publisher.

Eep.

THE DARK LORD: Malevolent, filled with the putrid bile of eons of evil deeds, the Dark Lord – sorry, THE DARK LORD – is a real bastard. Not one of those nice, lovable, oh-they’re-a-bit-of-a-rogue-but-actually-quite-lovable-in-a-Nigel-Havers-in-The-Charmer-type-way bastards, oh no. THE DARK LORD is the real thing, as mean as they come. Why, only the other day he deliberately put a tin of baked beans into his recycling bin without having properly washed it out first. Sends a shiver down your spine, doesn’t it?

When not hatching evil schemes to bring the world under his total domination, THE DARK LORD is a keen angler. He has a good sense of humour and would like to meet DARK MISTRESSES for fun, good times and maybe more.

No, the other one.

Cardinal Richelieu (No, the Other One): Expert on history, particularly pre-revolutionary France during the reign of Louis XIII, Richelieu is at pains to point out that he’s not the one everyone remembers from The Three Musketeers. The Author sees no reason to argue with him, on the basis that the real Cardinal Richelieu is believed to have died in 1642.

Ssshhh. Don't tell anyone.

Dodgy Al: Salesman extraordinaire, Dodgy Al is currently under investigation by HM Revenue & Customs and is the target of several blood vendettas. As such, he has been forced to close his former market stall and is now concentrating purely on Internet sales.

This is not here.

Sir Not-Appearing-On-This-Site: © Python (Monty) Pictures, 1975.