Category: Personal Moans


Motion sickness.

Filed Under: Gaming, Geeky Stuff, Personal Moans by Gareth — Leave a comment
January 9, 2012

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword

I’ve been playing on The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword over the last week or so since receiving it via the Father Christmas Delivery Service. Typically for a Zelda game, it’s pretty damned good; I’m not all that far into it at the moment, but it definitely feels fresher and more involving than the slightly disappointing Twilight Princess, which I still haven’t got around to completing. One thing I’m really not sure about is the motion controls, though. In fairness, Nintendo have done a brilliant job of integrating them into the whole experience, particularly the combat. There’s a whole range of sword swipes that can be pulled off, so it isn’t just a matter of a wave of the Wii Remote for an ‘attack’ (which I think is what TP was on the Wii – I’m not altogether sure as I’ve only got the GameCube version). In general it all works really well, though there are a number of times when the accuracy of the Remote – even with the necessary MotionPlus adaptor thingy – doesn’t quite seem accurate enough, which can be pretty frustrating when a misread sword-swipe causes you to die.

My real concern with it is the same that I have with motion-controls in general: I’m not sure what it adds to the experience. Sure, flying Link’s Loftwing around the sky using the Remote is different and it works, but is it actually any better than using an analogue stick. I’m not sure that it is. Waving the Remote around to simulate the bird’s flapping wings is fine, but I don’t believe it really adds anything to the experience apart from arm ache. Likewise, the combat is an interesting experience and is a step above what Zelda games have featured before, however I’m not convinced that it’s the best direction to go in.

Maybe it’s just me being a little stuck in the past and too glued to the controllers of old. Maybe I’m just a bit lazy. Still, I just can’t escape the feeling that the motion controls aren’t enhancing the game enough to put up with the potential inaccuracies and physical tiredness they produce.

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January, sick and tired, you’ve been hanging on me.

Filed Under: Bad Things, Personal Moans by Gareth — Leave a comment
January 28, 2011
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At last, it’s nearly the end of January. As months go, this is surely the most loathsome of them all: it’s start marks the end of Christmas and the return to work. And work always seems worse at the beginning of the year, as those annoying enthusiastic people take it upon themselves to use the changing of the calendar as an excuse for ‘cracking on with things’ and other such horrendous terms that generally mean having to do more work. People like that need a good, hard slap.

There are very few positive things to say about January, in fact. The weather is typically cold and grey, with dark nights that had a certain thrill back in December, but now just seem depressing. Nobody has much money, either, since it was all spent in the manic Christmas period. There also doesn’t seem an awful lot to look forward to, as the summer holidays seem such a long time away.

Yeah, January sucks all right. It is, of course, named after the two-faced Roman god of time, Janus, whose name sounds a bit like ‘anus’ (which surely can’t be a coincidence).

But still, look on the bright side: it’s nearly over. February is almost upon us, and the shortest month of the year brings with it the promise of Spring, the rampant commercialism of Valentine’s Day and the thought that one twelfth of the year has already gone.

Allow me to wish you all a very happy end to this most miserable month. I may suggest that Hallmark start a line of ‘Death to January’ cards that we could give each other on the 31st. They may laugh in my face, but at least I can think that I’ve at least tried to make the world a better place.

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This time, definitely (again).

Filed Under: Info, Personal Moans by Gareth — Leave a comment
January 26, 2011
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Yes, yes, yes, I know: I’m rubbish. I promise to update the site and this blog more often and I don’t. The reason for this is simply that I either don’t seem to have the time to do it or, when I do, I can’t think of anything to say. Well, as a belated new year’s resolution I’m going to make sure that I put more things up here. Not enough time? Then I shall make time! (Presumably out of used toilet roll tubes and sticky-backed plastic. There must be a video on YouTube somewhere.) Can’t think of anything interesting? Well, most of the Internet isn’t interesting so it presumably doesn’t matter.

So, if you don’t see some semi-regular updates on the main site or this here blog, then feel free to come ’round and hit me with a blunt object.*

*: Please don’t do this.

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Bad Things #1: The Ending to Oblivion.

Filed Under: Bad Things, Personal Moans by Gareth — Leave a comment
October 21, 2010
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If the title isn’t enough of a giveaway, there are some spoilers to the ending of Oblivion here, so if you don’t want to know the score, look away now.

Ah, Oblivion, a game that has wrapped so many in its tendrils and refused to let go. Released by Bethesda Software in 2006, it’s the fourth game in the Elder Scrolls series and is bloody big. Let’s start off by saying that I have no real problem with the game as such, it’s not bad by any stretch of the imagination. Like it’s predecessor, Morrowind, I just found myself rather nonplussed by most of it. The world, whilst undoubtedly massive, still seemed a little too artificial. It’s odd, really, as compared to the likes of Baldur’s Gate and Dragon Age is actually much more realistic, though perhaps that’s the reason why the artificialness of certain aspects of it stand out so much.

Anyway, the game itself isn’t the issue here: my gripe instead concerns the ending to the main quest. Now, bear in mind that, whilst I hadn’t done everything before I got to the end of the main storyline, I had done an awful lot of the side-quests and thus must have invested a good fifty to sixty hours into the game. I was, I admit, expecting a fairly mind-blowing ending.

You’ve probably guessed by now that this was not the case.

In rough terms what happens is this: you make your way to the Imperial City with Sean Bean, who is quickly invested as the rather implausibly-named Emperor Martin Septim the something. Bad things then happen and the city is invaded by demons. You need to make your way through the main square of the city towards a big temple. In the background is a huge demon, looking rather like Goro from Mortal Kombat. He is very impressive, and you’re convinced that a good boss battle is surely in store. Erm… except, it isn’t. Rather, what you get to do is battle some waves of the same creatures you’ve been fighting all the way through the game before getting Sean Bean into the temple where he jabbers something about ‘destiny’ before turning into a shiny dragon and defeating Goro in a non-interactive cut-scene.

And that’s it.

Hang on one cotton-picking minute: why don’t I, the hero of the game who has made it through untold horrors and reams of stilted dialogue, get to hack away at the big boss man? Why don’t I get to fight something other than the same monsters I’ve killed loads of before?

When I witnessed this for the first time, I was very disappointed, and I was brought up in an era where most game endings consisted of either a ‘Well done, game over’ screen or simply looped back to the start. Really, the ending was symptomatic of the rest of the game: it could have been so, so much better. What was there was good, but just needed more polish and possibly proof-reading by somebody who has read something outside the genre of high fantasy.

I’ll probably still get the sequel to Oblivion, though, just to see if it’s got better, but I’m very weak-willed in that sense.

Witness the awfulness of the ending in this video by YouTube user RE4Freak4:

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Unfinished sympathies.

Filed Under: Personal Moans by Gareth — Leave a comment
September 24, 2010
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Sometimes I really wish I that RPGs weren’t my favourite type of game, because I just can’t seem to get around to finishing a lot of them, mainly due to time or because (as mentioned in a previous post) I start playing, stop and then can’t remember where I’ve got up to.

To give you some idea of the size of problem I’m facing, here’s a list of the games I’ve currently got ‘in progress’:

  • Final Fantasy XIII;
  • Assassin’s Creed II;
  • Kingdom Hearts II;
  • Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days;
  • Zelda: Twilight Princess;
  • Dragon Quest IX;
  • Final Fantasy XII;
  • Grand Theft Auto IV;
  • Red Dead Redemption.

…And of these, I have to admit that I’m probably never going to finish Final Fantasy XIII, or Zelda: Twilight Princess, or GTA IV, and even Kingdom Hearts II is looking dodgy.

*Sigh*

Still, I did manage to finish Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age: Origins, so there’s some sense of completion there.

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Last time, on that thing you were playing.

Filed Under: Gaming Humour, Personal Moans, Pointlessness by Gareth — Leave a comment
September 19, 2010
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On 23rd July, the day it was released, I bought a copy of Dragon Quest IX. I played on it for a bit and then stopped. Not that there was anything wrong with it, you understand (on the contrary: it’s a very good game), but rather because I have a tendency to go through phases of playing things and not playing them, fickle man that I am.

Now though, I want to pick it up again, but I can’t exactly remember where I was up to. I always have this trouble with RPGs, and I must have restarted a whole load of them and lost hours of playing time just because I’ve forgotten where I’m up to and what I’m supposed to be doing (I’ve done it with Final Fantasy XII several times; one day I swear I’ll complete the sodding thing).

What RPGs really could do with is a ‘Previously on…’-type feature, like they have at the beginning of US dramas (usually recapping the entirety of the previous fifteen episodes). I’ve had a bit of a thought on what some of these could look like…

Previously on Final Fantasy VII…
Midgar, sector 7, 8, 9 or whatever.
CLOUD: SOLDIER rock, I really want to be in SOLIDER! Sephiroth is really cool!
Cut to scenes of Sephiroth massacring pretty much everyone in the Shinra building.
CLOUD: On second thoughts, maybe Sephiroth isn’t all that he’s cracked up to be.
Cut to Nibelheim.
TIFA: We grew up here, Cloud, don’t you remember?
CLOUD: Erm… not really.
TIFA: I really fancied you then, too, but for some reason you always fall for the ill-fated whinny damsel rather than the male-fantasy stereotype that I am. Look – I’m in a low-cut top even when it’s really, really cold and I have breasts that would surely hinder my fighting style!
CLOUD: Yeah, that’s great. Hey, what’s in this coffin thing?
VINCENT: It is – Vincent Valentine! I shall say very little throughout the course of this game supposedly so I appear cool and aloof, but mainly so that the writers don’t have to provide the dialogue for a character that a large proportion of players will never find.
CLOUD: Never mind – you’ll get Dirge of Cerberus all to yourself.
VINCENT: Aaarggghh!
Cut to City of the Ancients.
AERITH: I shall just sit here, completely exposed and on my own summoning the spell which should stop the all-powerful, psychotic evil bad guy from carrying out his sinister plot!
SEPHIROTH (for it is he): Hiiiiii-yaaaaaaa!
AERITH: Ooooh, pointy. (Dies.)
CLOUD: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
TIFA: I’ve still got these breasts, you know.

Previously on Dragon Age: Origins…
Ostagar, before the DLC.
KING CAILAN: I cannot wait to fight those darkspawn! Surely my brash overconfidence and shiny gold armour will more than compensate for my lack of armed soldiers and complete absence of any strategy!
Cut to Cailan being butchered by darkspawn.
KING CAILAN: Oh, dear.
Cut to the Warden, Alistair, Morrigan and a Dog entering Lothering.
MORRIGAN: This is the town of Lothering. It is completely indiscernible from any other town you may have visited in any RPG ever.
WARDEN: Hey, look: a tavern!
MORRIGAN: See what I mean?
Cut to the tavern. A fight breaks out. Leliana joins in and shakes hand with the Warden. Cut to her singing in the camp, lips not quite in synch with the sound.
WARDEN: I don’t suppose you fancy sleeping with me, do you?
LELIANA: Sure thing, as long as you complete my sub-quest first.
WARDEN: (Pumps fist.) Achievement unlocked!
Cut to numerous other scenes of dialogue, often involving characters absolutely covered in blood despite having only killed one hurlock.

Previously on Mass Effect…
Eden Prime.
SHEPHARD: Come back here Saren, you dastardly fiend!
SAREN: Nyah, nyah – you can’t catch me!
SHEPHARD: Never mind, I shall stumble towards this scary-looking Prothean artifact instead.
ASHLEY: Are you sure that’s safe?
SHEPHARD: Yeah, of course. It’s not like it can telepathically communicate with me or anything.
Cut to the Citadel and an audience with the Council.
ASARI COUNCILLOR: You are a Spectre, Shephard. We’re giving you carte blanche to do pretty much whatever you like as long as you end up defeating the bad guy.
SHEPHARD: Cool. Do I get a badge or something?
Cut to the human embassy in the Presidium.
CAPTAIN ANDERSON: Quickly, Shephard, you must save the galaxy from the evil schemes of Saren before it’s too late! We don’t have much time!
SHEPHARD: No problem. Though, if it’s okay with you, I think I’ll spend hours driving around barren planets in my little tank-thing looking for random collectables.
Cut to the Normandy SR-1.
SHEPHARD: So… I can choose to sleep with the hot blue chick or the slightly racist human bird?
JOKER: Shouldn’t you really be out saving the galaxy from those giant killer robot things?
SHEPHARD: This is why you won’t even get laid in the sequel.

Previously on Kingdom Hearts…
SORA: I’m really happy here on my island which oddly has no parents and my friends Rikku and Kairi.
RANDOM ANNOYING FINAL FANTASY CHARACTERS: Don’t forget about us!
SORA: Er, yeah, sure. It’d be great to stay here forever. Nothing can go wrong!
Something goes wrong.
SORA: Oh no!
Cut to Traverse Town and the appearance of Donald and Goofy. They do funny Disney-esque things for a bit whilst Sora goes around beating Heartless up with his Keyblade.
SORA: These evil Heartless, I will stop them!
Cut to a montage of scenes from Kingdom Hearts 1, Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Kingdom Hearts: 365/2 Days and Kingdom Hearts 2. At random points a voice-over can be heard muttering things about Ansem, Organisation XIII, Heartless, Nobodies and that kind of stuff.
SORA: None of this makes any sense!
LEON: And why aren’t I called Squall any more?
MICKEY MOUSE: Hot dog! Don’t worry, it’ll all be explained in Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep!
SORA: Will it?
MICKEY MOUSE: No.

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Whither goest I?

Filed Under: Personal Moans, Pointlessness by Gareth — Leave a comment
September 18, 2010
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I wish I knew where I was going. I don’t mean that in any kind of pompous, existential sense, I just mean that my sense of direction is shockingly bad. You could take a lemming, stick in a sack, spin it round and around until it was really disoriented and then dump it right in the middle of the most barren area of the Gobi Desert, and it would still probably be able to find it’s way to the nearest yurt quicker than I could.

My wife, Mrs. H., has an innate sense of which I’m extremely jealous, that tells her where she is and which way she needs to go to get to where she wants to get. I, on the other hand, could get lost in my own street. I purchased a sat-nav system several years ago, when they were still very expensive, after spending no less than ninety minutes driving around Nottingham trying to get to a building that I drove past on the wrong side of a dual-carriageway at least six times.

My lack of direction extends beyond the real world, too: just this morning I was playing on Mass Effect 2 and managed to get completely lost at one point, even though the section I was in was almost completely linear. I dread to think of the number of hours I’ve wasted over the years wandering aimlessly around virtual landscapes trying to find where I need to be. Sometimes, admittedly, it’s the game designers’ fault, but it’s usually just me being an idiot.

People like Mrs. H. who do have a kind of in-built GPS system can’t really comprehend what it’s like to not know where you’re going. If an effort to try and explain this, I have created the image below, the first in a probably one-part series of abstract diagrams showing what things look like in my head. This is what it feels like when I am trying to find somewhere…

What navigation is like in my head.

What navigation is like in my head.

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